JFF: The Thrilling Adventures of Barbara-Star

Hi, my name is Barbara-Star Minerva, and this is my story. I am 16 years old and a Junior at Magic Hills High, in Nowherestonville, Georgia. I am a uniquely rare INFJ personality type and my sun is in Pisces and my moon is in Uranus. I am not like Other Girls (TM). I have extremely pale blotchy skin and ugly brown hair that cannot be brushed. My best friend, D'Shaniqua, says I should use make up, but I know that I am unique and want to be loved for who I am on the inside. Plus, I refuse to be like the Other Girls (TM). I look something like this:


 

Ugly right? My life is so horrible. My family only has 3 cars and they are all Toyotas. My mom does not let me drive. My house has only 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. I hate my life. But I will always be authentic to myself and refuse to be like the Other Girls (TM).

My crush's name is Chad. He is the captain of the football team and does not know that I exist. My best friend D'Shaniqua says that he is a bully and a sexist and a racist, but I think he is just misunderstood. He is a turbulent ESTP with his sun in Leo. (Did I mention that I am a highly sensitive INFJ with the moon in my anus and I understand these things?)

D'Shaniqua says that I only like Chad because he is good looking & popular. I think he is average looking - I see his soul. And I am not like the Other Girls (TM). Here is a picture of Chad:



Stay tuned for more of the thrilling adventures of Barbara-Star!

Today was the WORST DAY OF MY LIFE EVER!

I was walking in the hallway at school on my way to History class, when Cocoa deliberately bumped into me. I fell and grazed my knee, dropped all my books, and the screen of my iPad shattered. I hate that iPad anyway – my mother got me the gold one for my birthday, when I specifically said I wanted the grey. Chad saw the whole thing!!! Thankfully Chingo was there to help me pick my stuff up. Chingo is my only friend besides D’Shaniqua. She says Chingo has a crush on me but he is like my brother. Chingo and I are the co-presidents and only members of the Math Club, the Chess Club, and the Paranormal Activities Club.

Anyway, back to Cocoa. Cocoa Shanell-Everwood is my nemesis. She hates me and I don’t know why. She is the prettiest & most popular girl in the school despite being extremely mean. I don’t know why high schoolers are so shallow unlike me. She is also Chad’s girlfriend, and the captain of the cheerleading squad.

She has a bunch of friends around her who all look and dress the same. She calls them Cocoa #2, Cocoa #3, etc. Here is a picture of Cocoa:

Cocoa’s father, David Everwood, is the richest man Nowherestonville. He owns half the real-estate and businesses here. Most people here work for him. He is my mom’s boss as well. Cocoa’s mother, Dr. Erin Shanell-Everwood, M.D., Ph.D. is a Nobel Prize Winning biochemist. She lives in Atlanta and works at the CDC.

I spent the afternoon crying on my bed for four hours... I could not get away from thinking about the way Chad had looked at me when Cocoa had shoved me to the ground. Was it disdain I saw on his face? Perhaps a hint of pity?

I must have dozed off, because when I awoke it was midnight. I decided to crawl out the window and go to the graveyard to write in my journal under the moonlight, because apparently that is what the middle-aged spinsters who write stories about people like me think teenaged girls do.

As I sat, leaning against the massive headstone of Chadwick Bartholomew Vanderwoodsen (Chad’s grandfather), I reflected on the events of the day. My thoughts were interrupted by the sounds of running and growling. From my hideout behind the massive monolith of a headstone, I watched and waited. I could not believe my eyes. There was a huge, wolf-like creature running through the graveyard. It looked like this:

It stopped just a few feet from where I was hiding, looked up at the moon, and howled like a resident of a mental asylum. I was so terrified I pissed my jeans, and I wasn’t wearing any underwear. The wolf-thing raised its snout and sniffed the air for what was probably a few seconds, but felt like hours.

Then the strangest thing happened – the wolf thing began to transform – into – a person.

A person I know.

No, it wasn’t Chad.

No, it wasn’t Cocoa.

It wasn’t even Chingo.

It was ALICE!!!

FRESHMAN YEAR

2 1⁄2 YEARS AGO

It was after school, and Barbara-Star and her then best friend, Alice, were sprawled on Barb’s bed, legs in the air, wiggling their toes for the benefit of perverted older men with foot fetishes.

Alice turned to Barbara and, sombrely said: “There is something I want to share with you.”

“What is it?” Barb replied. “You know you can tell me anything.”

“Barb – I am – I’m – non-binary.”

Barb moved closer to Alice, and hugged her tight. “I love you no matter what, you know that.”

Alice breathed an audible sigh of relief.

“We really should tell Chingo, though,” Barb said.

???

“He takes AP Computer Science. He will be able to sort out your non-binary problem.”

“I don’t think you understand, Barb... what I mean to say is... I am... fluid... species fluid.”

“Oh, Alice, I’m so sorry.” Barb wrapped her arms around Alice’s neck and held her for two solid minutes.

“I still think we should call Chingo though... he also takes AP Bio and AP Physics... he knows about species and fluid mechanics and stuff.”